This came over the transom recently from a friend, said I could share it, so here is the first article from the San Juan Sage (well I hope he likes his new name)
A friend of mine was trying to get me interested in this bicycle stuff in France. He set me off generally. You may be entertained.
To interest me in any way, an athletic or competitive event needs to have certain elements.
A: You have to measure things with a tape measure, a timer or simply the order of finish. No fucking judges. No god damn style points.
B: No silly team events. Just provides excuses to loose. Fuck working with other people. That’s shit for slaves and office workers.
C: There needs to be some sweat and some risk. Golf, bowling, whatever that silly crap with a stone on ice is, tidily winks, you name it. I don’t want to see anyone get hurt but if they don’t have to work damned hard and if screwing up won’t get them thumped soundly, it ain’t sport. It’s wanking. Why the hell do people care about things like baseball.
D: No ridiculous nation state crap. I don’t care if every competitor in cross country ski events is from Norway . Who the hell wants to see people from some swamp hole in south Asia wallowing around in the snow looking stupid. The best only.
E: No tormenting of children. This monstrous exhibiting of prepubescent girls in tights has got to stop. No competitors under 18 years old. No high school diploma? Go back to school. Maybe an exception for spelling bees. (Much needed from what I read on Craig’s List ads!)
F: No spectators! I have raced motorcycles for years. When I’m on the track, I have no idea if there is a stinking goon hanging over the fence within a light year. I never go to races unless I race. I don’t watch other people do stuff.
Now that I’ve offended 98 percent of the human race, I’ll go back to reading The Origin of the Species. The last book published with any relevance.
You may quote me freely. I have been raving and foaming in this vein for decades.
The San Juan Sage