Examples From British Military Officers’ Fitness Reports

Received this in an email from a friend, probably an urban Legend of some sort, no idea of the source, but funny none the less.

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy – he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won’t-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn’t organize 50% leave in a 2 man submarine


8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn’t organize a woodpecker’s picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn’t got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he’s the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He’s so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

46. This officer has narrow set eyes and appears to be at peace with himself.

47. He possesses a very subtle amount of intelligence which is initially misleading.

48. His greatest virtue Is a desire to maintain high standards which combined with certain failings cause him to be overbearing, rash, and at times impossible.

49. He can’t make a decision but can offer excellent suggestions and allow his subordinates to take their choice.

50. He requested duty other than line duty. His request was fulfilled at no loss to the company.

51. He is a frank and offensive officer.

52. He has been an ornament to this command whom I shall greatly miss.

53. He accomplishes tasks rapidly with a great deal of commotion.

54. Never makes the same mistake twice, but makes all of them once,

55. At times appears stupid and acts accordingly.

56. This officer can develop Into a good officer, however, I prefer he continue this development elsewhere.

57. His leadership is outstanding except for his lack of ability to get along with subordinates.

58. A grand chap but he Is in too deep.

59. Of average Intelligence except for lack of Judgment on one occasion In attempting to capture a rattlesnake for which he was hospitalized.

60. Is sometimes prone to take advice but has made great strides to over­come this fault.


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2 Responses to Examples From British Military Officers’ Fitness Reports

  1. Pingback: Crenshaw Consulting AssociatesWho do you trust? Part Two - Crenshaw Consulting Associates

    • captnmike says:

      Yes probably an Urban Legend, A friend sent me an email like you received, seems to me I looked around a bit and added a few more items not in the email and cleaned up the formatting. Glad you enjoyed it, some of them are spot on to some people I have worked with or for.

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